may 3
watching M and S unpack boxes today, seeing M take every opportunity possible to her to hug S, or to touch her hair, or whatever.
it must be easier being a girl, being able to just touch your friends like it doesn't mean anything. yet, i guess it would make things harder, too. if it doesn't mean anything someone's not likely to give you the fish-eye about a hug or whatever, it'd be harder to make something actually mean what you want it to mean, i guess.
she touches S, and it means nothing/everything.
i don't touch T, and it means nothing/everything.
it's just safer that way.
right?
i guess everyone's got it hard, no matter your gender or which way you swing.
life can be fucking depressing sometimes.
may 4
things i have learned about M while helping her unpack today that didn't surprise me:
- she has a collection of over 90 nail varnishes, all of which she knows the names of off by heart
- her cd collection rivals my own
- she has three French memo boards covered in Polaroids of her friends...a good 95% are our gang (a suspicious lot of them being of S or having S featured in them prominently, i did notice)
things i have learned about M, doing the same, that do surprise me:
- she has a huge canvas wallscroll of van gogh's "the starry night" which she hangs behind her bed
- most of the music in her cd collection is to my taste
- she has a ridiculous collection of plush frogs, which she thinks are adorable
may 5
M recommended a song to me, "infection" by onitsuka chihiro. a little softer than what i usually listen to, but the lyrics are really interesting. falling in love as an infection that makes you weak and sick. it's...incredibly dark and almost creepy, actually. but i like it all the same. might put it up on my music page.
do i feel infected? ...yes and no. do i want a cure?
no. not the kind of cure that would stop the infection, at least.
(i want him to get sick with me.)
speaking of music, got some rehearsal time in with the guys. there are times when we all sound pretty ordinary...today was not one of them. we need to start pooling our spare cash and book some studio time. i don't know if we'll ever take the oricon by storm or anything, but it's a shame not to get the stuff we're working on committed to plastic, it really is. if only for our own amusement/future nostalgia purposes.
may 6
'strangely, some songs you really don't want to write.'
-david bowie
may 7
the little bro texts me today and reminds me that i wanted to be an astronaut when i was little.
these days? only if they let astronauts take their axes into space.
(and, you know. if i stop being ordinary at math and science. unlikely.)
may 10
there went golden week, i guess.
i get bored easily when i don't have much to do, but occasionally loafing around can be good for the brain, i think.
may 12
it's not boys.
it's not girls, either.
it's just him.
it's been just him for a long, long time now.
if he was a girl, my feelings would be no different.
and he'd have known about them a long time ago, because i would have had the bravery to tell him.
'if you remember me, then i don't care if everyone else forgets.'
-murakami haruki
may 14
i got a letter (well, a cassette) from yoko again. she's well, which is good to hear, although her eyesight seems to be worsening a little. she's worried it means another operation. i hope for her sake it doesn't come to that.
if it does, you can bet i'll write her another song.
it's funny, feeling so close to someone that you've only ever communicated with via cassette. (some part of me thinks it would probably be easier if we sent each other mp3s via email -- K would definitely say so -- but i think doing it old school kind of has a charm of its own.) maybe some day in the future we'll meet in real life. maybe.
may 16
if i fuck it up and lose him it'd be worse than anything else.
i can't. i can't. i'm not brave enough.
'friendship', huh.
may 17
asked my dad how old he was when he got his first greying hair and he said sixteen.
still not entirely sure if he actually did, or he's just screwing with me because i make hilarious faces when paranoid. i suppose it could possibly be both.
may 19
well. M came out to everyone today, which lead to some...enlightening coversations, for the lack of a better term. i wish i was one tenth as brave as her, and god i wish S could just see what's right there in front of her adoring everything she does.
i'm a liar.
more importantly, he's 'probably mostly straight with some exceptions'.
no, my heart isn't thudding. why d'you ask?
(not letting my brain run away with this one. i refuse to. i'll just angst on behalf of M instead, since she seems incapable of doing so at the moment.)