dedications, for lack of a better term. not sure what these really are, but...here they are, i guess. i'm not sure why i'm writing them, as the intended will never actually read them...so maybe that's exactly why, but...yeah.
to TM
how did we become what we are? i want to say 'best friends' but that sounds ridiculous. for years i just thought of you as this airheaded little spoiled brat, but that was unfair of me and so wrong. or maybe it was right at first, but we all changed that summer, and what you changed into was amazing. you're like a butterfly with holographic wings. you're so unafraid of changing and evolving; you remind me of a female david bowie in a way. (don't end up with a cocaine addiction; paru would be heartbroken.) i can turn to you with my Dumbfuck Problem because you have a similar Dumbfuck Problem and honestly? i hope that she gets a clue and sees what's in front of her and what a beautiful sparkling gem it is. (i think she will; she's not stupid, just...unaware.) but don't worry even if she never does, because i will always have your back. always.
thanks for everything, uptown girl.
to little bro
we were essentially strangers when we met again. i always wanted to be a good big brother to you, especially after the divorce, because where you used to be was a huge hole in my life. you were there, originally, and i was 'big brother', and then...i wasn't. mom was gone, you were gone, and i felt like half a person. i suppose i would have said that i felt like a statistic, if i'd known that word back then.
so i overcompensated and smothered you. and because i was eleven, and the world revolved around me, i felt like you were rejecting me entirely when you struggled with that. i don't know if i've ever really apologised to you for that.
so i'm sorry. and i'm sure there are a million times since then when you've thought "bro, back off already", and it's perfectly understandable. just ask, and i'll step back.
but kid brother, i'll be watching you, always. you never have to doubt that. and if you ever need me, you ask. no question.
(and christ, will you just bite the bullet and tell H that you love her? i don't know who you two think you're fooling. yourselves? i love you, man, but you're a dipshit.)
to TS
everyone kinda thought you'd just...automatically end up with T. which made me a little hostile towards you for a while there. i'm sure you noticed, until i started watching you, as in, really watching you. i have to admit, it was for selfish reasons. or petty ones, i'm not sure. and what i would have done if you had actually liked T, i don't know - apart from be passive-aggressive and then hate myself for it. but i'm getting off track.
i watched you to find out if you and YT were together. i found out you didn't feel that way about him. but i also found out something else:
you're a wonder, you know. i understand wholly why M is in love with you.
i wish you'd love yourself.
you're such a good soul. there is so much kindness and bravery in you, and i know you think there isn't, but...it's there. it shines out of you like sunlight. and you don't have to be anyone other than yourself. you don't have to become the perfect girl, because you already are. nevermind what your mother wants. what do you want?
don't edit yourself anymore. don't hate your true self.
i see you. T sees the same thing. and M saw it long before any of the rest of us did. don't hide away who you are to become something you think you "should" be. i know it's hard...i really do. i get that feeling. and i don't want you to feel it.
shine like a diamond in the sky, because you are.