april 5
stuff's getting kind of weird around here...where 'around here' is 'in my head', basically. i can't sleep and school starts tomorrow. first year of high school, etc etc.
god, i don't even care about school tomorrow. i just can't sleep. my mind is full.
i wonder what time it is in new york city. maybe i should call M. i think she'd understand. she understands a whole lot more than most people think.
we'll have to see.
april 6
hopped up on cold meds that are supposed to act as sleeping pills...if 'hopped up' is really the right way to describe it. i feel like i'm floating. i think i understand how/why people get addicted to this stuff. woah.
i called M after all. she traded a secret for a secret, which
made me feel better about things, even if it didn't really help
either of our respective problems.
interestingly, her family are moving back to odaiba on may 2/3,
right in the middle of golden week. i've gotten so used to our
phone conversations i wonder how strange it will be talking to
her about Stuff - note that capital - face-to-face again.
she suggested i talk to J or S about things as well, which just
goes to show that while she gets some things, she's totally off
the planet about others. good thing she's so adorable.
the amount of homework i have is insane. and inane, at the same time. and i have a feeling that YT will be on the phone in short order, panicking about algebra. i'm not sure if i'm level-headed enough not to pass him on to K, this time.
april 9
practiced with the guys some this afternoon despite damn cold still hanging around. we're sounding good...sounding really good, actually. akira got himself a new washburn - and named it 'spootwash' because he's certifiable - and is giving it what-for. not a bad-sounding or looking axe, really. maybe i should stop jonesing for an explorer and settle for a washburn or another epi. not sure. if i keep putting ¥5000 away every fortnight i'll have my explorer by the time i'm a hundred and fifty five. heh.
april 12
this is the part where i say i fucking hate school.
hence: i fucking hate school.
i fucking hate his stupid face, he makes me hurt all over. he's like emotional fucking poison ivy or something.
april 13
contrary to what my previous update may have suggested, i have not actually destroyed odaiba in a fit of angst and rage, although i have to admit i was tempted. writing here does actually help, as M suggested. (no, i did not give her this address. just mentioned i had a blog somewhere.)
i talk to gabu, but he doesn't understand most of it, of course. he says if you like someone, you should just tell them, then everyone's happy. it doesn't work that way, my friend. and it's been well past 'like' for quite a while now. but he's basically just a kid, how could i expect him to understand, really? i think he does pretty well just putting up with me as it is.
i think dad's home early. strange. i thought he was working late. better go see what the deal is, if there is a deal to be seen.
april 16
the lines of his face. his jaw, his neck. he smiles like
nothing in the world could hurt him.
(i just want him to kiss me until i forget my name.)
i don't know whether i want to punch him for not damn realising
it yet, or whether i'm thankful.
i can't stop staring, and i know i can't, but he doesn't seem to
notice. or when he catches me at it, he just grins. no idea.
kiss me kiss me kiss me kiss me kiss me kiss me kiss me kiss me kiss me kiss me
...yeah, right. good thinking, yamato. kiss me, let's make shit awkward. let's ruin a friendship and lose him entirely. that's a brilliant idea.
fuck.
april 17
'the world is changed because you are made of ivory and gold.
the curves of your lips rewrite history.'
- oscar wilde
april 19
yamato the incredible sulk. heh.
my little brother and pata got into an argument about something or the other today, and i'm afraid i'm now on both their shit lists for bursting into what i was forcefully told was completely inappropriate laughter. i couldn't help it, they sounded exactly like they did in the summer of 1999. and pata is just...he sounds like a kid, still, so it's indignant childlike rage that is unintentionally hilarious. that's me written out of both of their wills, i guess.
it's good to know some things never really change.
april 20
'i saw you, and the music played, and it was like i'd never
been sane.'
- anonymous
april 21
i got a call from M at something like 2am last night, and she was in tears, which is pretty rare for her. and then i felt like crying. and somehow we ended up laughing together, i'm not sure what it was that started it.
we've both agreed that if S and T get together, we'll throw
each other a pity fuck and then jump off rainbow bridge. or get
married just to spite them, we're still thinking about it.
god, i love that girl.
april 23
do you know how easy it is to bother doing homework/cooking dinner when you've got a killer headache? not remotely.
it needs to be golden week right now. except that myself, S
and T agreed to go help M move in to her apartment in the middle
of said week.
sucker for punishment, i guess.
april 25
dad has a date! so of course he's insufferable, bellowing about 'that noise' (the man still can't identify a pentatonic scale to save his life) and my doing my homework (it's done, old man).
i'm of the slightly snooty opinion that if you're on the wrong side of forty you have no business getting nervous before a date. you should be used to this relationship shit by now.
not that there's a right side to forty.
april 26
dad's date went well, so he's in a good mood. it's completely revolting. everyone's love life is just fine except for mine. and M's.
texted my little brother to bitch and moan. i'm lucky he doesn't tell me what i can obviously do with myself some days. he was out 'hanging out' with H. both T and i wonder when those two are just going to bite the damn bullet and admit they're not friends and they never have been.
(T said to me on IM this evening that if my little brother broke H's heart he'd break my legs. and that i can break his legs if H breaks the little brother's heart, "b/c that's just fair play".
i don't think those two are the ones doing the heartbreaking around here, you little shit.)
april 28
'where's your will to be weird?'
-jim morrison
(i need to start a quotes depository)
april 30
AKIRA BROKE MY FUCKING CAPO. just brilliant.
it was entirely an accident (not him goofing off for once) and he apologised profusely, but double. fuck. there's ¥4000 down the drain that i really could have put towards getting the explorer or a new amp, seeing as my old marshall is letting me know that it's about to join the big rock and roll band in the sky.
it's always the little things that make you want to stab someone in the face.
usually yourself.
why did i choose such an overall expensive hobby all those years ago...